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Communicating after an Altercation

It was a typical Sunday afternoon when I witnessed a small argument between my friends, Sarah and Jane. They’d been roommates for a year, but recently their bond had become strained. What started as a minor disagreement about shared chores quickly escalated into harsh words and raised voices. As the tension grew, they both stormed off to separate rooms, each fuming with frustration. It was clear that the altercation wasn’t just about dishes—it was a buildup of misunderstandings and unspoken resentments.

But, hours later, something remarkable happened. Instead of continuing to stew in silence, Sarah and Jane sat down together. They apologized for the things they’d said in anger and took the time to express their feelings openly and calmly. What followed wasn’t a heated back-and-forth, but rather a conversation about what each person truly needed from the other moving forward. They didn’t let the disagreement define their relationship. In fact, they emerged from the altercation with a deeper understanding and respect for each other.

This is the power of healthy communication after a conflict. It’s easy to let emotions rule in the heat of the moment. When tensions rise, it’s natural to want to defend ourselves or lash out. However, healthy communication allows us to process emotions constructively and repair the emotional rift caused by conflict.

Why Healthy Communication Matters

The way we handle conflict can make or break relationships. Poor communication often leaves unresolved issues simmering beneath the surface, which can lead to further tension and even emotional distance over time. Healthy communication, on the other hand, fosters understanding, builds trust, and strengthens connections. It involves expressing feelings honestly, but also respectfully, without blame or judgment.

Examples of Healthy Communication After an Altercation

  1. Active Listening – After a disagreement, it’s vital to listen actively to the other person’s perspective. Instead of planning your next rebuttal, truly hear what the other person is saying. For instance, Sarah and Jane didn’t just apologize; they listened to each other’s grievances and took time to validate each other’s feelings. This made them feel understood and respected.
  2. Use “I” Statements – Instead of accusing or pointing fingers, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You never do the dishes!” try, “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done because it makes me feel like I’m carrying all the responsibility.” This avoids putting the other person on the defensive and encourages them to listen without feeling attacked.
  3. Timing is Key – Give yourself time to cool off before having a conversation about the altercation. Emotional conversations, if held too soon, may only perpetuate the cycle of blame. Once both parties have calmed down, you can approach the issue with a clearer mind.

Healthy communication is not just about talking; it’s about fostering an environment where both parties feel safe to express their emotions and work towards a resolution. In doing so, conflicts become opportunities for growth, learning, and connection rather than sources of division.

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Embracing the Extraordinary

It was an ordinary Tuesday afternoon when Sarah, a busy single mother, found herself stuck in a stressful situation. Her car had broken down in the middle of a deserted highway. With no phone signal and a growing sense of helplessness, she prayed for a miracle. Minutes later, a man in a pickup truck appeared out of nowhere, offering her help. He had all the tools she needed to get back on the road, and just as suddenly as he had arrived, he drove off, disappearing into the horizon. Sarah was left stunned and deeply grateful. What felt like a random occurrence had the feeling of something much more profound—a miracle.

Miracles are often seen as rare, otherworldly events, but what if we told you that they might be happening around you all the time? They don’t always have to be grand, dramatic moments—sometimes, they’re simple acts of kindness or perfect timing. Miracles, in their many forms, are an invitation to believe in the possibility of the extraordinary, even within the seemingly mundane.

The Merits of Miracles

Miracles have a unique ability to shift our perspective. They remind us that there is more to life than just the ordinary course of events. When we experience something miraculous, whether it’s finding the solution to a problem, a moment of pure synchronicity, or a breathtaking natural occurrence, we are reminded of the mystery and wonder of existence. Miracles invite us to pause, reflect, and feel a sense of awe, which can be a powerful tool for emotional healing and mental well-being.

Furthermore, miracles can inspire us to believe in the interconnectedness of the universe. They help us recognize that we are not isolated beings, but part of a larger, often unseen, pattern. When we embrace this, we open ourselves up to new possibilities, greater compassion, and deeper connections with those around us.

Tips for Seeing and Embracing Miracles

  1. Cultivate Gratitude: The first step to recognizing miracles is learning to appreciate the small moments. By practicing gratitude daily, you begin to notice the beauty and magic that already exists around you. Whether it’s a friendly smile, a clear sky after a storm, or the unexpected help of a stranger, gratitude allows you to see the miracles in your life more clearly.
  2. Stay Open to Possibilities: Miracles often come in unexpected forms. They might not look like what we imagine or desire. Being open to the unknown allows you to embrace the miraculous when it arrives, even if it defies your expectations.
  3. Trust Your Intuition: Intuition can be a powerful guide in recognizing miracles. When you feel a sense of knowing or a gut feeling that something special is about to happen, trust it. Many miraculous events begin as a nudge or an instinct, leading us to a transformative experience.
  4. Look for Patterns and Synchronicities: Miracles often arrive as perfect synchronicities—events that seem to align in the most meaningful ways. Pay attention to the patterns in your life, the times when things just seem to fall into place, and the surprising connections that appear at the right time.
  5. Embrace Faith: Belief in miracles doesn’t necessarily require a religious framework; it simply requires a sense of faith—faith in the unseen, the possible, and the greater good. Even in moments of doubt, holding onto a sense of trust can open the door to miraculous experiences.

Miracles are all around us, waiting to be discovered and embraced. By cultivating gratitude, staying open, trusting our intuition, recognizing synchronicities, and embracing faith, we can invite more miracles into our lives. Perhaps, as Sarah learned that day on the highway, we don’t always need to look far to find them—they might be closer than we think.

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Paying it forward

A cold winter evening in a small town is the backdrop for a story that resonates with the power of giving. Sarah, a young mother, stood at the grocery store checkout, her arms laden with essentials for her family. The total was more than she expected, and she found herself fumbling for her wallet, realizing it was a bit lighter than she anticipated. Behind her, an elderly woman noticed the situation and quietly stepped forward, paying for Sarah’s groceries without a second thought. “Don’t worry about it,” the woman said with a warm smile, leaving Sarah with a profound sense of gratitude.

This simple act of kindness, though small in monetary terms, rippled out far beyond the grocery store. For Sarah, it wasn’t just the groceries that mattered—it was the reminder that kindness exists even in the toughest of times. She later paid it forward by volunteering at a local food pantry, helping others in need. This story illustrates the profound impact of charitable giving—not just for the receiver but for the giver as well.

Charitable giving doesn’t always have to come in the form of money; it can be time, goods, or services. But regardless of how it’s given, there are numerous benefits that make it an essential practice in any community.

  1. Building Stronger Communities: When individuals contribute to a cause, whether through financial support or volunteering, they help create a more cohesive and supportive environment. For instance, organizations like Habitat for Humanity not only provide housing but also strengthen bonds between volunteers, home recipients, and the larger community.
  2. Enhancing Mental Health: Giving can have powerful emotional benefits. Research shows that acts of kindness can boost happiness, reduce stress, and even improve overall well-being. One study by the National Institutes of Health found that giving activates the brain’s reward system, making us feel good both emotionally and physically. Just the act of helping someone else can create a sense of purpose and satisfaction.
  3. Encouraging a Culture of Generosity: When individuals give, they set an example for others to follow. Children who grow up seeing their parents give back are more likely to become generous adults themselves. Charity fosters empathy and compassion, and when these values are passed down, communities become more resilient in the face of challenges.
  4. Tax Benefits: Beyond the emotional and social advantages, charitable giving can provide tangible benefits, such as tax deductions. Donations to qualifying organizations are often tax-deductible, reducing an individual’s taxable income. This is a practical reason that encourages more people to contribute.
  5. Personal Growth and Fulfillment: Finally, charitable giving can be a pathway to personal growth. Whether it’s through volunteering, donating money, or offering expertise, giving allows people to step outside themselves and develop new skills, broaden their perspectives, and gain a sense of accomplishment.

In the end, charitable giving is a two-way street. Not only do recipients benefit from the generosity of others, but givers also experience a sense of purpose, connection, and fulfillment that enriches their lives in countless ways.

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Loving Life: A Journey to Joy

This summer, I found myself on a hiking trail on the breathtaking Colorado Plateau. As I reached a clearing, the view unfolded like a painting—rocky cliffs kissed by the sun, wildflowers dancing in the breeze, and a crystal-clear river reflecting the sky. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude wash over me. It was a reminder that life is not just about the big milestones but also about savoring the small moments that fill our days with joy.

Loving life is often about perspective. Take the story of Maya, she turned her morning commute into a ritual of joy. Rather than dreading the crowded subway, she started bringing her favorite book along. Each ride transformed into an escape, a little adventure in the midst of her busy routine. She discovered that joy could be found in the simplest of actions, like flipping the pages of a novel or observing the world through the window. This shift in mindset not only made her commute bearable but also sparked a love for reading that she hadn’t tapped into before.

Then there’s the case of Mark, who decided to embrace spontaneity. Tired of the monotony of his daily grind, he began saying “yes” to every invitation and opportunity that came his way. This simple change led him to join a salsa class, try his hand at pottery, and even go skydiving. Each new experience not only expanded his horizons but also brought him a sense of exhilaration that reignited his passion for life.

Loving life also involves cherishing the people around us. A simple family dinner can become a cherished memory when filled with laughter and stories. Last month, at a potluck with friends, everyone brought a dish that held a special meaning. As we shared food and memories, the evening turned into a celebration of our lives—our dreams, our challenges, and the beauty of our connections.

Ultimately, loving life is about cultivating gratitude, embracing spontaneity, and nurturing relationships. It’s about finding joy in the mundane and turning ordinary moments into extraordinary memories. As we navigate our journeys, let’s remember that life is a tapestry woven from these experiences. By choosing to love and appreciate every thread, we can create a rich and fulfilling existence. So, take a moment today to pause, breathe, and embrace the beauty of life all around you. You might just discover that love for life was waiting for you all along.

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The Language of Love

Have you ever given someone a gift, never to see them wear it, hang it on the wall, or utilize it in any way?  After my sister was married, I sent off one of her engagement photos and had it replicated to a painting. From the moment I presented it to her and her husband, I never saw it again. I don’t know what she did with it, but it would seem that she never hung it anywhere.

A powerful way to connect with those we love is through the knowledge and use of known love languages. Whether it be a partner, significant other, spouse, or friend, we can meet each other’s emotional need to feel loved by understanding their primary love language. This alone provides a priceless advantage. You may also find it very helpful to evaluate and acknowledge your own key love language(s).

According to author Gary Chapman, the author of “The 5 Love Language,” there are five expressions of love and the one that makes you feel most loved may be different than someone else’s. For example, I have a friend whose primary love language is indeed gifts. To give her a gift, provides her with a profound feeling of being loved. For myself, gifts do not provide me with that feeling. When someone provides to me an act of service, it could be anything, I feel truly loved. Here is a more comprehensive list of Gary’s 5 love languages:

Words of Affirmation

This would be the use of verbal compliments or words of appreciation. For example, “I love how you helped me clean up the kitchen after dinner.” We may often think these thoughts, but to those who feel deeply loved by affirmation, it can be meaningful and imperative to express it.

Quality Time

This is about giving someone your undivided attention and being attentive to them. Intimacy doesn’t just happen in the bedroom. It’s about spending time alone together in an atmosphere of communication, focused attention, eye contact, and respect. Spending daily time in healthy communication should be considered a minimum daily requirement. If quality time is primary to you or your partner, plan quality activities of mutual interest.

Acts of Service

By physically serving another, doing the things that you know they would like you to do, you can provide a profound expression of love to them. If you know this to be your partner’s primary love language, seek to do what you can to reduce their load. Make a list if it helps. Acts of service should not feel forced, but should be done out of love. Requests give direction to love, however, demands can stop the flow of love. Examples include cleaning, cooking, making beds, fixing things, and running errands.

Receiving Gifts

The long history of the giving of gifts is a cultural pattern which has intrigued anthropologists. Gifts are a visual symbol of love and a part of many modern day rituals. These gifts can be purchased, found, or made. If this is your partner’s primary love language, you may have to change your attitude toward spending money, but creativity can go a long way.

Physical Touch

There is great power in physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one another. Physical touch is not limited to one localized area of the body, but some areas will be more sensitive than others. Light touches of love require little time, but much thought. If a primary need, expression through touch is only limited by the imagination.

Having a different primary love language than your partner may feel awkward at first to feed, but without knowledge you will continue to stumble. I would encourage, if you have not done so, that you and your partner do a questionnaire to understand what makes you each feel truly loved. Just web search the love languages quiz.

I sincerely believe that understanding your partner more fully can only enhance your relationship. What you learn can also be transferred to other relationships, including friendships. Providing someone with the feeling of being loved is a gift of ultimate value.

People who love each other fully and truly are the happiest people in the world. They may have little, they may have nothing, but they are happy people. Everything depends on how we love one another.

~ Mother Teresa

Regerence: Chapman, Gary (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (3rd Edition). Northfield Publishing.

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Gathering together

It would seem that we are wired to gather together with others. According to Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, we are living in a period of time when coming together is more important than ever. Let’s explore why and when we gather.

Prehistoric hunter-gatherers often lived in groups of a few dozen people, consisting of several family units. There was diversity in an organized living space, allowing for the sharing of workload with a probable social network structure. With the prospect of various group configurations, there was an allowance to share, for example, large amounts of meat, when acquired, with other groups of neighboring communities. This provided sustenance, but also minimized waste. The concept of gathering also lays a foundation for language. Not needed when alone, the use of language allows for discussion regarding various important topics like hunting or child rearing strategies.

Communal living is still practiced today. It provides the opportunity to live in your own private space yet be part of a family. It may be practiced for financial reasons, for the social benefits, or to co-habitat with those of similar beliefs. Coexisting with others can be a treasure whereby fundamental needs are met, with a feeling of comfort and belonging.

In what ways do we, can we, gather together?

Conferences: As is said, iron sharpens iron. When we come together with a shared purpose to learn and grow, by sharpening each other’s blade, we become more effective tools. We can learn new skills from others while sharing our own.

Weddings: We can have a deeper sense of significance with key milestone moments when we gather in a symbolic ritual. There is some accountability when a couple makes promises to one another in the presence of witnesses. The ceremony represents the coming together of two families to support and hold the couple accountable for those promises to one another. It is a celebration of their bonded life together.

Funerals: This type of gathering provides a path for the processing of grief. Mourners have an opportunity to process the reality of what has happened. They can share memories of their loved one, while saying goodbye to that physical presence in their life. Sharing these aspects with others who may feel similarly, can be cathartic and healing. We can find comfort in this group setting.

Worship: Genesis 2:18 states God’s intent that we not be alone. As we engage in worship, we can encourage and be an inspiration to others. Non-believers can be influenced by love and good works. Mathew 18:20 says that where two or three are gathered in Jesus’ name, he will be with them. This supports the idea of a community of believers, not necessarily a building or institution.

Meals: It is a cultural custom to gather together around food. There seems significance in the breaking of bread together. Eating can be the most satisfying and joyful time of day. Why not share it with others? Not only does eating together create meaningful time, but studies show that not eating together has quantifiably negative effects on both physical and psychological well-being.

That are many ways to gather with others, both physically and virtually. Although we tend to gather with those that support us and our belief system, never underestimate the power of divine appointments. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable group setting, try to see the big picture. What good might come of it?

If you are feeling lonely, seek out groups and/or activities to provide the opportunity to gather with others. Share your light. Being willing and able to commune with others can provide perspective, cultivate inspiration, ease your burdens, and bring great joy.

References:

https://www.worldhistory.org/article/991/prehistoric-hunter-gatherer-societies

What is Communal Living?
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Graceful Tolerance

We’re living in a time of intense polarization among our fellow Americans. There are those that have such a passion for their beliefs, they do not allow others to express anything that may challenge it. In an effort to disqualify opposing views, they may attack or explode with toxic, abusive, and/or destructive behavior. This polarization is not just destroying relationships; it’s destroying our country.

With regard to politics, polarization has increased rapidly over the last 40 years. Meaning, citizens feel more negativity toward the other political party than their own. When people from differing political camps cease to respect each other, it’s much harder to make political compromises and to create good public policy.

In recent years, it seems that the divide reaches far beyond political opinions. Some people may be easily offended by others, with an insecure and unhealthy bias that is based on their own belief system.  With easy access to the internet and groups of various affiliation, it is quite easy to surround yourself with like minds, whether right or wrong.

Yet tolerance is the amazing quality of allowing others to do or believe what they want to do/believe, even if you do not agree with it. It is fair and objective. It does not judge nor condemn. Being tolerant of others is a moral virtue and a behavior we should all seek to characterize. Even further is acceptance, embracing and celebrating the differences of others.

When we tolerate the actions and beliefs of others, we are giving them grace, and giving grace to others is God’s will for us. With unconditional acceptance, we open the door to more wisdom, more peace, and more love. With grace, we provide the opportunity to learn from those with opposing views. And although we may believe that our way is the right way, given our humanistic capacity, we often fall short. We may seek to influence others with our own beliefs and maybe even change their minds, however, we need not fix our countenance on making it so.

Expressing tolerance for others can be beneficial for all involved. According to Psychology Today, showing tolerance to others allows them to learn from their consequences in their own time and find their way without trying to control them.

Ways to help you to tolerate others:

  1. Seek to understand their position
  2. Empathize with their beliefs
  3. Place emphasis on your similarities and ignore the differences
  4. Accept that uncertainty is ok
  5. Review your own beliefs, where they were derived, and whether valid

When you feel challenged with tolerance, check yourself first. Evaluate your thoughts and make sure that you are reacting from a healthy place. When your state of mind is disturbed by another, your ego may want to retaliate. Do not let it. Show patience with others by understanding that you yourself have likely, at some point, disturbed the peace of another. Whatever your surroundings may provide, you can always choose to grace with tolerance.

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The Blessing in Reconciliation

It is not unusual for people to drift in and out of our lives. They may stay for a season; they may stay for our lifetime; but there’s one thing I know for sure, divine appointments happen for a reason. They can be a blessing or a lesson.

It is also not unusual to find yourself in conflict with someone you care or cared about. We all carry emotional baggage that can trigger us or someone else. There can be misunderstanding, hurt or neglect that causes significant damage. As unfortunate as it may be, it’s possible for a conflict to affect a relationship so badly that it causes a separation. Forgiveness and reconciliation may seem impossible.

Scarlett shared a story about her dad with “Love What Matters.” He was an addict and died of an overdose in 2018. Their relationship had been difficult. Scarlett often found herself angry at him, angry at his comments, angry at his inability to do life, angry at his drunkenness and homelessness. Although she loved him, she frequently found herself embarrassed by him. Now that he is gone though, there is no chance of a healthy reconciliation. She is still angry, but she is angry at herself. She’s mad that she let her inability to forgive him affect the relationship. She says, “give forgiveness, because my regret over withholding it is stronger than all the anger I felt throughout the years. I forgave too late.”

Sometimes in life we have to choose between doing what’s easy and doing what’s right. Mending fences may not seem easy, but it may indeed be the right thing to do. The path to mending these vial connections starts with a foundation of forgiveness and a genuine desire for reconciliation. When we take the time to understand others and what they have been through, it may be possible that nothing is unforgivable.

Obstacles to forgiveness:

Pride – So long as you are hurt, you may feel that you are better than the person who hurt you.

Shame – You will need to come to terms with what happened.

Seeking vengeance – Retaliation is rarely noble and often unnecessary.

Clinging to being a victim – do you feel special status with being a victim?

In reality, to reconcile means to forgive, and to forgive means to let go of resentment and anger. For your part, take a look at your responsibility in the separation, if any. If self-forgiveness is needed, give yourself that gift. Empathy and compassion are great tools. Empathy helps you to understand another and compassion encourages you to take the action needed to reduce suffering.

Don’t wait until it is too late to reconcile a relationship. You can take action now. Release the negative emotions, forgive them, and reach out. Do what you know to be right, and don’t be a Scarlett.

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Cultivating Self-Discipline

Self-discipline is the ability to control your behavior in a way that leads you to be more productive, have better habits and achieve positive results. The key, some might say, is in the control. Our ability to control our thoughts, feelings, and behavior is a catalyst to self-discipline. In addition, there seems a direct correlation between self-discipline and societal success. The world glorifies those deemed successful. So how can we cultivate self-discipline and transport ourselves into our own personal success story?

  • WHAT IS YOUR END GAME? Take some time to develop a realistic and achievable goal. Write it clearly with specific language and intent.
  • SET REALISTIC MILESTONES. Break down your goal in individual units or tasks. What does the completed task look like and what is the most effective timeline to achieve it? Make sure to post specific dates or the planned duration for each task.
  • EVALUATE MILESTONES. Set appropriate time(s) to analyze the milestone that you are current in the process of achieving. Are you putting in the time and effort needed to achieve the milestone as planned? If not, what can you do to adjust your effort? Make those adjustments as needed.
  • STAY THE COURSE. All great athletes started somewhere. It is guaranteed that they were not an overnight success. Self-discipline requires a motivation to success and the perseverance or patience to continue moving forward through any challenges that might arise.

Self-discipline can be helpful in all areas of life, how you eat, exercise, work, play, and love. If you can master it in one area of your life, you can transform that blueprint to other areas as well. There are many books available to assist with attaining and maintaining discipline and self-control.

Distraction will surely take you off course. If you find yourself distracted, your mind is seeking an escape from the task at hand. To reduce the risk of distraction, manage your time and stick to a schedule. Remind yourself as distracting thoughts arise, that they can be addressed later, when you have completed the needed task at hand. Stay focused until the task is complete.

When you choose to purse your goals with intention and perseverance, you build something better for yourself, you build success.

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Trusting

Trust:  A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

The term ‘trust’ can be used to describe a belief in the truth of an object, for example, “I believe that the rope bridge is safe, therefore I will venture across it.” Yet more often, the term is used in the context of a relationship. To trust in someone is to rely on their integrity and a belief that what they communicate through words and deeds is indeed true.

In the initial stages of a relationship, you don’t really know the person yet, so there could be no trust, or you may trust not so much based on their words or behavior, but rather on your personal bias towards others. For example, if you have not been betrayed in the past, you may be more likely to trust quickly. There are no rules that outline how long it should take to trust. Trusting may be more about the personalities involved than about any allotted timeframe. No matter the circumstance, the trust of others should never be abused or taken for granted.

Trusting in the ways of life is easy when things appear in flow, but to trust when your life is falling apart, that takes a great deal of faith. When life is challenging, and you feel that you have no one to turn to, know that you always have someone in your corner. Someone who will have your back, who will listen with empathy and guide with compassion. Our God is trustworthy and steady. Seek out his wisdom and spend some quiet time listening for his guidance.

The truth is, God is everywhere. He is on the mountain top and he is in the valley. He is in the sunshine and in the rain. He is in the cries of the newborn, and the smiles of the elderly. Know that you are here for a reason and whether you are on the mountain or in the valley, God is with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. He hears your prayers and understands you heart. Trust in his will for you. Trust in his timing.

As you trust in him, be yourself trustworthy. There is a saying that states, “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” We may not have the ability to control the words and deeds of others, but we can be a person of integrity ourselves. We can be an example of truth to others. We can proclaim our truth and live by it.