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The Language of Love

Have you ever given someone a gift, never to see them wear it, hang it on the wall, or utilize it in any way?  After my sister was married, I sent off one of her engagement photos and had it replicated to a painting. From the moment I presented it to her and her husband, I never saw it again. I don’t know what she did with it, but it would seem that she never hung it anywhere.

A powerful way to connect with those we love is through the knowledge and use of known love languages. Whether it be a partner, significant other, spouse, or friend, we can meet each other’s emotional need to feel loved by understanding their primary love language. This alone provides a priceless advantage. You may also find it very helpful to evaluate and acknowledge your own key love language(s).

According to author Gary Chapman, the author of “The 5 Love Language,” there are five expressions of love and the one that makes you feel most loved may be different than someone else’s. For example, I have a friend whose primary love language is indeed gifts. To give her a gift, provides her with a profound feeling of being loved. For myself, gifts do not provide me with that feeling. When someone provides to me an act of service, it could be anything, I feel truly loved. Here is a more comprehensive list of Gary’s 5 love languages:

Words of Affirmation

This would be the use of verbal compliments or words of appreciation. For example, “I love how you helped me clean up the kitchen after dinner.” We may often think these thoughts, but to those who feel deeply loved by affirmation, it can be meaningful and imperative to express it.

Quality Time

This is about giving someone your undivided attention and being attentive to them. Intimacy doesn’t just happen in the bedroom. It’s about spending time alone together in an atmosphere of communication, focused attention, eye contact, and respect. Spending daily time in healthy communication should be considered a minimum daily requirement. If quality time is primary to you or your partner, plan quality activities of mutual interest.

Acts of Service

By physically serving another, doing the things that you know they would like you to do, you can provide a profound expression of love to them. If you know this to be your partner’s primary love language, seek to do what you can to reduce their load. Make a list if it helps. Acts of service should not feel forced, but should be done out of love. Requests give direction to love, however, demands can stop the flow of love. Examples include cleaning, cooking, making beds, fixing things, and running errands.

Receiving Gifts

The long history of the giving of gifts is a cultural pattern which has intrigued anthropologists. Gifts are a visual symbol of love and a part of many modern day rituals. These gifts can be purchased, found, or made. If this is your partner’s primary love language, you may have to change your attitude toward spending money, but creativity can go a long way.

Physical Touch

There is great power in physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one another. Physical touch is not limited to one localized area of the body, but some areas will be more sensitive than others. Light touches of love require little time, but much thought. If a primary need, expression through touch is only limited by the imagination.

Having a different primary love language than your partner may feel awkward at first to feed, but without knowledge you will continue to stumble. I would encourage, if you have not done so, that you and your partner do a questionnaire to understand what makes you each feel truly loved. Just web search the love languages quiz.

I sincerely believe that understanding your partner more fully can only enhance your relationship. What you learn can also be transferred to other relationships, including friendships. Providing someone with the feeling of being loved is a gift of ultimate value.

People who love each other fully and truly are the happiest people in the world. They may have little, they may have nothing, but they are happy people. Everything depends on how we love one another.

~ Mother Teresa

Regerence: Chapman, Gary (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (3rd Edition). Northfield Publishing.

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Gathering together

It would seem that we are wired to gather together with others. According to Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, we are living in a period of time when coming together is more important than ever. Let’s explore why and when we gather.

Prehistoric hunter-gatherers often lived in groups of a few dozen people, consisting of several family units. There was diversity in an organized living space, allowing for the sharing of workload with a probable social network structure. With the prospect of various group configurations, there was an allowance to share, for example, large amounts of meat, when acquired, with other groups of neighboring communities. This provided sustenance, but also minimized waste. The concept of gathering also lays a foundation for language. Not needed when alone, the use of language allows for discussion regarding various important topics like hunting or child rearing strategies.

Communal living is still practiced today. It provides the opportunity to live in your own private space yet be part of a family. It may be practiced for financial reasons, for the social benefits, or to co-habitat with those of similar beliefs. Coexisting with others can be a treasure whereby fundamental needs are met, with a feeling of comfort and belonging.

In what ways do we, can we, gather together?

Conferences: As is said, iron sharpens iron. When we come together with a shared purpose to learn and grow, by sharpening each other’s blade, we become more effective tools. We can learn new skills from others while sharing our own.

Weddings: We can have a deeper sense of significance with key milestone moments when we gather in a symbolic ritual. There is some accountability when a couple makes promises to one another in the presence of witnesses. The ceremony represents the coming together of two families to support and hold the couple accountable for those promises to one another. It is a celebration of their bonded life together.

Funerals: This type of gathering provides a path for the processing of grief. Mourners have an opportunity to process the reality of what has happened. They can share memories of their loved one, while saying goodbye to that physical presence in their life. Sharing these aspects with others who may feel similarly, can be cathartic and healing. We can find comfort in this group setting.

Worship: Genesis 2:18 states God’s intent that we not be alone. As we engage in worship, we can encourage and be an inspiration to others. Non-believers can be influenced by love and good works. Mathew 18:20 says that where two or three are gathered in Jesus’ name, he will be with them. This supports the idea of a community of believers, not necessarily a building or institution.

Meals: It is a cultural custom to gather together around food. There seems significance in the breaking of bread together. Eating can be the most satisfying and joyful time of day. Why not share it with others? Not only does eating together create meaningful time, but studies show that not eating together has quantifiably negative effects on both physical and psychological well-being.

That are many ways to gather with others, both physically and virtually. Although we tend to gather with those that support us and our belief system, never underestimate the power of divine appointments. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable group setting, try to see the big picture. What good might come of it?

If you are feeling lonely, seek out groups and/or activities to provide the opportunity to gather with others. Share your light. Being willing and able to commune with others can provide perspective, cultivate inspiration, ease your burdens, and bring great joy.

References:

https://www.worldhistory.org/article/991/prehistoric-hunter-gatherer-societies

What is Communal Living?
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Dare to Imagine

Albert Einstein conceived imagination as limitless when he said, “imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

Imagination can provide a sense of freedom, an escape from the melancholy and the drudgery of life. It provides mental images of possibilities resulting from feelings and past experience. Setting goals is more helpful when we can imagine reaching them. For example, when we are driven to document corporate merit goals tied to not only performance, but also pay, we use the SMART system and choose goals that we deem as achievable. We imagine what we can achieve.

As Einstein eludes, the ability for humans to imagine is virtually unlimited. In addition to arbitrary escape, we use it when we daydream, to relieve stress, to heal, and also when we plan. Those that are most creative, like artists and writers, embrace imagination as a catalyst to invention. You can also witness boundless imagination in films produced for children.

Ways to harness the power of imagination:

  • Watch a fantasy or children’s film
  • Practice ‘Safe Place’ visualization meditation technique
  • Use the’ Lightstream Technique’ for trauma
  • Start your day by imagining the best possible scenario for that day
  • Utilize evocative imagery to overcome upcoming challenges
  • Experience safe and responsible experimentation in daily tasks/events
  • Practice ‘thought diffusion’ by imagining negative thoughts taking the form of shifting objects

Because your brain is challenged to differentiate real happenings from imagined happenings, imagination can be very powerful. You can use it to heal from the past, to create positive emotions in the present, and to embrace future encouraging outcomes.

The power is in your hands, or should I say, in your mind. Consider the use of imagination to capture the positive and diffuse the negative. Limitation is no excuse…

References: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-flourishing-family/202006/harnessing-the-power-imaginationhttps://advice.theshineapp.com/articles/how-your-imagination-can-help-you-feel-more-positive/

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The Blessing in Reconciliation

It is not unusual for people to drift in and out of our lives. They may stay for a season; they may stay for our lifetime; but there’s one thing I know for sure, divine appointments happen for a reason. They can be a blessing or a lesson.

It is also not unusual to find yourself in conflict with someone you care or cared about. We all carry emotional baggage that can trigger us or someone else. There can be misunderstanding, hurt or neglect that causes significant damage. As unfortunate as it may be, it’s possible for a conflict to affect a relationship so badly that it causes a separation. Forgiveness and reconciliation may seem impossible.

Scarlett shared a story about her dad with “Love What Matters.” He was an addict and died of an overdose in 2018. Their relationship had been difficult. Scarlett often found herself angry at him, angry at his comments, angry at his inability to do life, angry at his drunkenness and homelessness. Although she loved him, she frequently found herself embarrassed by him. Now that he is gone though, there is no chance of a healthy reconciliation. She is still angry, but she is angry at herself. She’s mad that she let her inability to forgive him affect the relationship. She says, “give forgiveness, because my regret over withholding it is stronger than all the anger I felt throughout the years. I forgave too late.”

Sometimes in life we have to choose between doing what’s easy and doing what’s right. Mending fences may not seem easy, but it may indeed be the right thing to do. The path to mending these vial connections starts with a foundation of forgiveness and a genuine desire for reconciliation. When we take the time to understand others and what they have been through, it may be possible that nothing is unforgivable.

Obstacles to forgiveness:

Pride – So long as you are hurt, you may feel that you are better than the person who hurt you.

Shame – You will need to come to terms with what happened.

Seeking vengeance – Retaliation is rarely noble and often unnecessary.

Clinging to being a victim – do you feel special status with being a victim?

In reality, to reconcile means to forgive, and to forgive means to let go of resentment and anger. For your part, take a look at your responsibility in the separation, if any. If self-forgiveness is needed, give yourself that gift. Empathy and compassion are great tools. Empathy helps you to understand another and compassion encourages you to take the action needed to reduce suffering.

Don’t wait until it is too late to reconcile a relationship. You can take action now. Release the negative emotions, forgive them, and reach out. Do what you know to be right, and don’t be a Scarlett.

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Cultivating Self-Discipline

Self-discipline is the ability to control your behavior in a way that leads you to be more productive, have better habits and achieve positive results. The key, some might say, is in the control. Our ability to control our thoughts, feelings, and behavior is a catalyst to self-discipline. In addition, there seems a direct correlation between self-discipline and societal success. The world glorifies those deemed successful. So how can we cultivate self-discipline and transport ourselves into our own personal success story?

  • WHAT IS YOUR END GAME? Take some time to develop a realistic and achievable goal. Write it clearly with specific language and intent.
  • SET REALISTIC MILESTONES. Break down your goal in individual units or tasks. What does the completed task look like and what is the most effective timeline to achieve it? Make sure to post specific dates or the planned duration for each task.
  • EVALUATE MILESTONES. Set appropriate time(s) to analyze the milestone that you are current in the process of achieving. Are you putting in the time and effort needed to achieve the milestone as planned? If not, what can you do to adjust your effort? Make those adjustments as needed.
  • STAY THE COURSE. All great athletes started somewhere. It is guaranteed that they were not an overnight success. Self-discipline requires a motivation to success and the perseverance or patience to continue moving forward through any challenges that might arise.

Self-discipline can be helpful in all areas of life, how you eat, exercise, work, play, and love. If you can master it in one area of your life, you can transform that blueprint to other areas as well. There are many books available to assist with attaining and maintaining discipline and self-control.

Distraction will surely take you off course. If you find yourself distracted, your mind is seeking an escape from the task at hand. To reduce the risk of distraction, manage your time and stick to a schedule. Remind yourself as distracting thoughts arise, that they can be addressed later, when you have completed the needed task at hand. Stay focused until the task is complete.

When you choose to purse your goals with intention and perseverance, you build something better for yourself, you build success.

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Resiliancy

A boy named Peter began swimming at the age of 3. He won so many metals in swimming events in his youth, that he earned the nickname Dolphin. His dream was to win an Olympic medal for his country.

One particular day while traveling to a swimming event, Peter and his dad were in a terrible accident. Both were severely injured and were admitted to a nearby hospital. When Peter regained consciousness, he learned that his father had not survived. Although Peter survived, he discovered that he had lost both his hands in the accident.

After months of treatment, Peter returned home where he came across an old poster crafted by his father which said, “Proud to be Peter’s father. One day my son will win the Olympic metal!” Peter broke down. His mother consoled him, “Peter your father always wanted you to achieve big in swimming. I’m sure you are going to fulfil his dreams.” He replied, “Mom how can I? Can’t you see me?” She said, “This is not the end of the world. Go and find a way to achieve your dream. There is always a way, my Dolphin.”

Peter then began to explore a path to achieve his dream. He began training for the Paralympics swimming event. He slowly progressed and began to break records and win events. Fulfilling his dad’s dream, he went on to win multiple medals in the Paralympic games. Peter showed resilience in the face of great tragedy.

Resilience signifies the ability to bounce back after adversity or trauma. our ability to be resilient may be affected by our upbringing or social circle, how we view the world around us, and/or our specific coping strategies.

According to in-depth interviews with 150 leaders, a well-developed network of relationships can help a person rebound from any setback. It’s possible to cultivate meaningful authentic connections via many aspects of life. These relationships become a toolbox that we can draw from during difficult times. It is never too late to create a tribe of refuge.

And remember that in the midst of challenges, there can be growth in suffering. Tap into your community database, accept change, act despite fear, and gain emotional regulation. It is never too late in the game to learn resilience. Move forward into your new superpower and shine bright.

References: https://winnersstory.com/short-stories-about-resilience-1/?expand_article=1

https://hbr.org/2021/01/the-secret-to-building-resilience
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The Art of Grieving

WHAT IS GRIEVING?
Grief is an emotion that everyone will likely experience at some point in their life. It can be expressed as mental suffering due to the loss of someone or something. The expanse of the grief that might be felt can vary from person to person and also with respect to the actual event. For example, two people may both lose their jobs from the same employer at the same time, yet one may experience more grief as a result. Everyone’s walk is different yet there are strategies that may be helpful to all.


1)      ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN: Hiding your emotions, avoiding the feeling of pain or loss can only prolong the process of grieving. Sit with them. Although we may be wired to run from pain, this natural instinct cannot lead us to a place of healing. Accept the event or loss. Tell yourself, “Yes, I recognize, understand, and accept that this event happened to me and I feel _____.”
2)      LABEL THE EMOTION(S): Investigate your feelings at a deeper level. You labeled a feeling in step one. Are there more? Has the event left you feeling shame, guilt, anger, sadness, fear, worry, rejection, envy, hopelessness, distress, sorrow, disappointment? With introspection, you are likely to uncover more than one feeling or emotion tied to the occurrence. The more of them that you can acknowledge and label, the more hope you will have in healing them.
3)      HAVE INTENTION: At some point, you will decide that it is time to end the grieving process. You will be ready to be done with it and move on. When you are, say to yourself several times a day, “I intend to express and release this emotion (feeling) from my body.”
4)      EXPRESS THE PAIN: Studies have shown that negative emotions actually weaken the body. Suppressing them utilizes high amounts of energy, robbing our bodies of useful, vital function. There are several safe methods that one might use to express negative emotion.
a.       Exercise: Physical movement provides for elimination of physical, emotional and mental toxins while triggering the release of endorphins that make you feel good. Exercise need not be taxing. Walking near moving water can be especially soothing.
b.      Writing: Journaling allows you to tune in to your true feelings. It has no impact on others and allows you to express yourself in a safe environment. Start with a description of the event, then turn your focus from the external to the internal. Express your feelings with as much detail and fullness as possible. And if you choose to write a letter to someone else, it is a means of catharsis, whether you ever actually deliver it.
c.       Art therapy: Art therapy has been very useful for the expression of feelings in children. There is no reason why it could not be equally useful in adults. Create a sketch of what you are feeling. It need not be museum quality. Only you need see it. Freedom of expression and self exploration is the key.
d.      Verbal Expression: You can confide in a close friend or relative. Just be mindful that this form of expression may challenge the relationship over time. Another option might be to acquire the service of a therapist, counselor or wellness coach. Feeling safe to express yourself honestly and without judgment is critical. As crazy as it might sound, talking to yourself in the mirror may also be helpful.
e.      Aggressive Expression: This may sound a bit strange but I have found screaming to be quite helpful for expressing my emotions. You can find a remote area, put your hands over your ears and just let it rip. Screaming into a pillow may also work. Just don’t try it in a confined space, like your car, it is damaging to the ears. You might also consider breaking something, something of little value of course.
f.        Music Therapy: You could say that emotions resonate at a certain energy level or vibration. For example, hopefulness resonates at a much higher vibration than hopelessness. There may be a certain type of music that you are drawn to during the grieving process. Music that aligns with your energy. Music can be very healing. Continue to seek out music that makes you feel good during your journey.
5)      RELEASE THE PAIN: Releasing the pain is similar to expression yet one step further along our path. When we are ready to release, we understand that the grieving process has served its purpose. It no longer serves us and we are willing to let it go. Do not place judgment on yourself or others with regard to the timing of this step. There is no right or wrong, no pre-set timeline when it comes to grief. You will know when you are ready.
a.       Breath work: Sit or lie flat in a quiet, comfortable location. Breathe gently through the nose while placing attention on the heart. Imagine that with each inhale you are taking in grace, love, and acceptance. With each exhale, imagine that you are releasing those negative emotions that no longer serve you. Continue with these deep, long, slow inhalations and exhalations for a minimum of 10 minutes. Breath work is especially helpful when done outdoors in the “fresh” air.
b.      Meditation: Meditation has been shown to improve psychological balance and enhance overall health and well-being. Sit or lie comfortably and focus your attention on the breath. Try to clear your mind of any thoughts and just focus on your breathing. Counting each breath, counting during each breath, or humming might be helpful. Try to stay in this space for a minimum of twenty minutes. You may find that after practicing mediation, certain insights become more apparent.
c.       Laughter Therapy: You will reach a point when you are ready to laugh again. Laughter therapy promotes overall health and wellness by relieving emotional stress. It can lift the heavy burden of loss and provide a welcomed respite. In fact, I know of a woman who believes she successfully treated her cancer by watching comedies on TV. Laughter is not only a form of expression, it is a form of healing. Give yourself permission to laugh.
d.      Emotional Freedom technique (EFT): This is a wonderful technique that utilizes the combination of talk therapy and acupuncture meridians. You basically say out loud, “Although I feel ____, I love and accept myself.” And you say this while tapping through several acupuncture points. You can find specific guidance if you search this topic on-line.

Grieving is a process and everyone’s journey is different. Feeling uncomfortable with someone else’s journey through grief is normal, but placing a deadline or judgment on someone else is unhelpful. Each of us needs to set our own pace. With respect to you, allow yourself to feel your feelings and walk through the stages of expression and release. You need not feel alone during the process. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for love, comfort and acceptance. But always keep in mind that ultimately, total acceptance can only be found in self. Find the good in your situation, bless the event for what it provided, then release it and move forward into the light of your grace.
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Hope Versus Faith

On a very hot day, Andrew found himself lost in the desert. Completely out of water, he could not get his bearings nor find his way back to his starting point. He was desperately searching for signs of water when he spotted what appeared to be a small hut in the distance. Thinking it could be an illusion, he continued walking towards it until he reached it. When he opened the door, he found no one there. Seemingly abandoned for some time, he was surprised to find a hand pump. Overcome with thirst, he started pumping, but there were no signs of water. He was finally overcome by exhaustion. He then searched the hut and found a bottle of water hidden in the corner. He was so grateful and prepared to drink it, when he found a note attached to it. The paper stated, “please use this water to start the pump. It works. After you are done, do not forget to refill the bottle again.”

He had to make a choice. He could drink the water in the bottle, or he could use the water to prime the pump to get abundant water. He couldn’t help but think, “but will the pump work if I use the water?” If not, he would waste the much needed water. Could he trust the words on the paper?

He paused for a moment, closed his eyes, and prayed. Then he poured the water from the bottle into the pump and began pumping. Soon, he heard a bubbling sound, and water began pouring from the pump. He drank his fill, filled his bottle, then refilled the bottle from the hut. Afterward, he saw a pencil and map which explained the direction to a nearby village.

How did hope play a role in Andrew’s predicament? Hope can be defined as a wish or desire for a particular event, an event considered possible. It seems quite feasible that he was hoping to find water. According to Harvard University, hope is beginning to reveal its value in scientific studies. Hope can provide an opportunity for us to process events that seem unsurmountable. As an essential component of our well-being, hope can foster positivity, even in the face of its absence.

How did faith play a role in Andrew’s predicament? Faith is the assurance of things hoped for. It is to trust in something that cannot be explicitly proven. When Andrew made the decision to pour the only available water into the pump, he had faith that the pump would then produce even more water. Trust was needed to actually pour the water.

Hope and faith are distinct yet complementary. When Andrew believed that the pump would work, he had faith. At the same time, that belief kindled joy, which was hope. Without faith, there is no hope, and without hope, there is not true faith.  

In 1 Corinthians 13:13, we are called to abide in faith, hope, and love. Faith and hope are instrumental to our ability to cope with the world around us. Therefore, go forth in faith, knowing the impact hope plays on your health and well-being. Continue to hope, and may faith always guide you.

References:

https://www.gotquestions.org/difference-faith-hope.html
3 Inspiring Short Stories on Faith to Make You Trust Yourself
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Managing Stress

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

To their surprise she answered, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed—incapable of doing anything.”

The National Institute of Health defines stress as a physical and emotional reaction to life change, while the dictionary defines it as the total response to environmental demands or pressures. There seems a recurrent disagreement among researchers regarding the definition of stress in humans, but one thing is for sure, there seems an inverse correlation between happiness or joy, and stress response. The cause of a stress response can include any event or occurrence that someone considers a threat to his or her coping strategies or resources.

Good stress or eustress, is not so much a concern. That is the stress you feel when excited. Your pulse quickens and your hormones surge, but there is no threat or fear experienced. The negative stress that we are stressing here (pun intended) is the stress that interferes with our ability to get things done, affects relationships and our overall quality of life.

A study published in the Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing examined the relationship among hardiness, perceived stress, and happiness in nurses. The study revealed that nurses with a hardy attitude evaluated situations as less stressful, which resulted in higher happiness.

Hardiness allows a person to withstand physical and psychological stress without developing physical illness. This mindset views difficulties and stressful situations as personal challenges, rather than as roadblocks, and allows for personal growth in the face of adversity. So we again are looking at perception, how we think and how we view the world around us. So it would seem that a key to hardiness, resilience, and managing stress, is having a healthy mental response. It helps to be mindful of your stress response and to work towards more positive thought patterns to assist in coping.

Techniques to manage stress:

  1. Talk confidently to Someone you trust about the event or person that has caused the stress. Just knowing that you have someone in your corner that is supportive and can provide a healthy perspective will provide some measure of liberation. It leads to catharsis, that feeling of relief, and it may even lead to a solution.
  2. Practice deep breathing to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. When we are stressed, our breathing changes, becoming more shallow, affecting our ability to think clearly and feel alert. Practice breathing long slow breaths, breathe in while counting to seven, holding for a count, then releasing for another count of seven.
  3. Practice meditation to calm the mind. Meditation is widely known to reverse the stress response by changing focus and eliminating the stream of thoughts that can lead or contribute to stress. In the 2018 study that relied on the Headspace app, meditation was shown to reduce stress by 14% over 10 days. MRI scans have shown that a regular meditation practice can shrink the amygdala, which helps us respond rather than react to stressful events. If meditation seems difficult, there are apps available for download. Find the one that speaks to you.
  4. Enjoy regular physical activity to reduce levels of the body’s stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Endorphin-release via exercise boosts pleasure and results in a feeling of well-being. This release occurs after about 30 minutes of activity, so make that your benchmark. Find time to fit in some activity, even if it’s just a walk at lunchtime.
  5. Enjoy comedy at home or away. If you live in a bigger city, comedy clubs are available. Otherwise, watch some comedy on the television at home. As we’ve discussed, laughter creates positive physical changes in the body and lightens the mental load.
  6. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings to release the tension and any pent-up emotions. Feel free to expose whatever feelings comes up and let it flow. The content which you choose to write or type can be kept private. Don’t strive for perfection nor worry about grammar or spelling. This is your time to let loose and vent.
  7. Utilize the power of music to lighten the load. Music of slower tempo can quiet the mind and relax your muscles, making you feel soothed while releasing the stress of the day. Current research finds that 60 bpm can cause the brain to synchronize with the beat causing alpha brainwaves. The alpha brainwave is what is present when we are relaxed and conscious. Interestingly, Native American, Celtic, Indian Stringed-instruments, drums, and flutes are very effective at relaxing the mind. Sounds of rain, thunder, and nature sounds may also be helpful, particularly when mixed with soothing music. An app may help with this endeavor also.
  8. Make sure that the goals you set for yourself are realistic. It’s quite possible that the person that is hardest on you regarding expectations, is you. You should not be expected to operate at 100% efficiency at all times and at everything you do. Be mindful of what you can control and try to accept that which you cannot. You are essentially an army of one, and only one. Focus on what you have accomplished, not what’s left on the table.
  9. Take a long hot soak in the tub or visit a sauna. A hot bath will relax the muscles and calm the mind. Consider adding another method to the mix, music, journaling, talking to a friend, and or the practice deep breathing.
  10. Embrace the benefits of a good hug. Although not technically proven by science, the late psychotherapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth. When we experience a hug, our body releases oxytocin, also known as the ‘bonding hormone.’ Your heart rate slows down, cortisol and norepinephrine levels drop and those feel-good hormones, serotonin and dopamine, increase.
  11. Practice reframing the negative situation into a more positive or even neutral event. Also, try to examine the big picture, realizing that this particular stress event may be inconsequential to the overall goal or finish line. You might also consider some potential positive outcomes to this situation? Consider this formula:

A + B = C ;   Affair + Behavior = Consequence

You cannot change the event or Affair that has already taken place, but by changing your response or behavior, you change the outcome or consequence. You are in control over how you will feel in the end.

  1. Improve your planning to reduce overwhelm and create a sense of control. Consider daily checklists, a calendar or planner, and/or even sticky notes to manage thoughts and goals. Stress management research by Robert Epstein has exposed how stress can be managed through planning.
  2. Consider adaptogen supplementation toassist the body in finding homeostasis and to calm the chaos. Viable options include ashwagandha, Siberian ginseng, and Rhodiola.

In reality, stress is unavoidable. The big question is, what do you do with it? It’s quite possible that the amount of stress you are feeling may be directly related to your perception of the event. How you choose to frame any situation or person, correlates directly with your stress response. For example, it is quite possible for two people to experience the same event, yet to respond very differently. How you respond to the event has been shown to be more important than the actual situation itself.

You need not let stress affect your ability to feel joy. If the event cannot be changed, work to change your response to the event, while adding mitigation strategies to bring about a sense of calm. While these techniques can be quite helpful in managing stress and therefore increasing joy and that sense of well-being, it also works the other way. Being joyful mitigates or assists with the stress response, therefore, increasing your joy should reduce your stress. You have more control of your feelings and emotions than you might realize and even baby steps towards improvement can accumulate into healthy rewards.

“Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.” ~Astrid Alauda

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The Value of Self

We’ve mentioned self-care in other blogs, yet it is so important that we will expand on it here to include self-love. What does it mean to love yourself or to practice self-love? Were you taught that this is a bad thing, that it is selfish, that you should instead be selfless? We should indeed aspire to show love to others but, in reality, the love and acceptance of self is one of the greatest requirements to happiness and long lasting relationships. When the flight attendant tells you to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting another, it is for good reason. You simply cannot take care of (love) another if you cannot take care of (love) yourself primarily.

Research not only points to the benefits of self-love, but it also shows that self-criticism is comparable to self-sabotage. It actually hurts performance, productivity and well-being. Expressing as a people-pleaser, for example, may seem altruistic, but in reality, it’s a call for self-love. It is the needing/wanting of validation from others while ignoring the true value of yourself. It’s chasing after love that already lies within you. The truth is, you are wonderfully made, special, with a history and purpose unique to you. If you believe in your value and honor yourself, you need no other person(s) to shower you with praises. You know your worth.

Perspective is key. How you view your past can directly affect how you value self. Are you hard on yourself for the past experiences that you deem as mistakes? Perhaps mistakes should be redefined as ‘opportunities to learn and grow.’ After all, it is through our mistakes that we find personal growth, learning and meaning. Through mistakes we can determine what we want and don’t want, what we need and don’t need. It may be time to appreciate past ‘mistakes’ as a stepping stone to something greater. Be compassionate with yourself. You are in the process of evolving into something truly magnificent. Life is a process of learning and change. Embrace all that life brings your way. It has and will continue to make you who you are. In the meantime, guard your thoughts about self.

Start keeping track of judgmental thoughts you have about yourself and others. Write them in your journal, then rewrite them with a focus to create a positive counter-thought. Put those positive thoughts on sticky notes and place them in various locations in your environment. Changing your thoughts can have a profound impact on changing your life. Remember that joy is not tied to circumstance. Whatever is going on in your life, rise up and choose joy. Acceptance means never turning your back on yourself. Make a decision today to love and respect yourself. If you don’t, odds are, no one else will. You are, in essence, setting the bar for how others can/will treat you.

“Loving everything about yourself – even the unacceptable – is an act of personal power.

It is the beginning of healing.”

13 steps to achieving self-love:

  1. Stop comparing yourself to others
  2. Don’t worry about others’ opinions
  3. Allow yourself to make mistakes
  4. Remember your value doesn’t lie in how your body looks
  5. Don’t be afraid to let go of toxic people
  6. Process your fears
  7. Trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself
  8. Take every opportunity life presents or create your own goals/dreams
  9. Put yourself first
  10. Feel pain and joy as fully as you can
  11. Exercise boldness in public
  12. See beauty in simple things
  13. Be kind to yourself

Self-love is about accepting what you’ve been through and the choices you’ve made because you now know that you acted on the knowledge and experiences that you had to date, at that time. Sure you have evolved and may be a different person now than you were then. Your today’s choice may be different than yesterday’s choice. This is progress. Don’t be hard on yourself. Self-judgment can be harsh and may not lead to healthy progress. Self-acceptance of all of who you are is a key to self-love. Your journey is different than anyone else’s and the ride you have been on has made you who you are.  Love yourself foremost by accepting all parts of you, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. You are so special and you totally got this.